Swiss Air is Alive with the Sounds of Snogging

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I hadn’t planned on writing about my journey over to Europe, as I expected it to be the usual movie marathon, bad sleep and cramped legs fest it usually is. This time around I had the joy of experiencing a flight path I won’t soon forget. The tone was set when I first tried to check-in at Auckland Airport for my flight to Shanghai and discovered, I’d been double booked on all my flights. The lady working for Air New Zealand’s first response, “Well why don’t we just click on one and hope its the real booking!” Which was distressing at the time, but in hindsight I kinda love the utter ‘Kiwiness’ of that statement.

Once that wrinkle had been ironed out, I had the most minimal upgrade I think one can get on an aeroplane. However, as it meant slightly more leg room and that I got a fancy purple eye mask with “Are we there yet?” on it, I’m taking the glory of basking in an upgrade to preferred economy.

The eye mask.

The eye mask.

My two hour layover in Shanghai opened with yet more confusion over the mysterious second Kirsten Edwards, this time the language barrier adding a whole new layer to the debacle. It ended with me going googly eyed to the max when I spotted endless Giant Panda souvenir memorabilia. China’s priority on my travel bucket list has definitely been bumped up after seeing the goods on offer. Words can’t quite express how badly I wanted to own a pair of the “Panda Claw Gloves”.

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Boarding Swiss Air for a 12 hour flight from Shanghai to Zurich, I was seated next to the cutest Asian boy who only ever requested “Apple” to drink. It was the single English word I heard him speak (apart from the obligatory, No English). I feel lucky to have had Apple (as I quietly nicknamed him) sitting by me, he was everything you want in a long-haul plane companion: tiny, silent, still smiley and only got up 3 times in the entire flight (I was on the aisle).

What set this flight apart from any other I’ve been on, was the abundance of 2 minute style noodles brought on board by the Asian passengers. They got hot water to eat their noodles in between meal services from the Swiss team. I for one never even knew air crafts provided the hordes in economy with such luxuries as hot water. Perhaps I’ve been missing out on years of potential hot water bottle snuggling during the long lonely hours of sleep deprivation amidst extreme air conditioning. Now, I enjoy the odd bowl of 2 min noodles as much as the next under 25 year old, but in the confined space of an aircraft, this led to a very pungent odor. I believe it got into the air conditioning. The sharp tang of oyster, soy and chicken stock that I feel typically sums up those mini powdered flavour sachets settled down on us passengers like an itchy Christmas themed wool sweater worn on a hot summer’s day. Fortunately Apple did not partake in the great noodle feast aboard LX189. He really was a great row companion. Perhaps even an example of in-flight etiquette.

Disembarking in Zurich for a joyful six hour wait for my final two hour flight over to Athens I happened upon a set of “free Internet” computers and immediately forgot how grumpy and sleep deprived I was.  Of course, I had to leave my iPhone 5 at the table with the computers while I wandered off in search of the bathroom and a McDonalds, realising only 10 minutes later, that it was indeed, missing. The McDonalds turned out to be elusive, so it was a double disappointment. Triple, actually, because *spoiler* after I found my phone, I paid NZD 20 for a Switzerland Burger King “Crispy Chicken”combo which is essentially a BK Chicken Grabba with a slice of tomato and this version of it is inedible. Soul destroying stuff.

There isn’t really an excuse for forgetting your iPhone on a public table in a foreign country’s airport and I probably didn’t really deserve to not get it stolen so I suppose my final flight needed to happen, a swift serving of karma for my typical scattered brain nature.

I was the “fortunate” passenger in seat 19D from Zurich to Athens, who got to sit next to either best actor nominees or just a highly sexed up couple. From prior to take-off to post landing, the couple next to me, did not stop making out. I’m not exaggerating the level of PDA. This was no amateur hand holding and tender pecks on the lips. I unfortunately witnessed hair grabbing, thigh rubbing, and endlessly intimate full on embraces. I tried my best to avoid seeing it, but then the girl would shift sideways in her seat, so he would then tilt around as she lay back on him, which moved him closer to my chair and he then wrapped his arms around her shoulders, nuzzling and kissing her neck. Oy vey! Other passengers were shifting in their seats, their eye contact full of pity and relief that they weren’t in 19D.  The couple were even too busy pashing to get their Swiss chocolate bars. Suckers.

I began to believe that perhaps I was on a hidden camera show. Since I never saw the two of them show up to baggage claim, my bet is either they decided to detour to the bathrooms en-route or had to stay on the plane to review the footage. I’m not saying which I think is the more likely… But if anyone is watching the Swiss or German equivalent of “Candid Camera”, don’t be surprised to see me on my European television debut.

IN-FLIGHT MOVIE ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS/SYNOPSIS

  1. The Oranges: Blair Waldorf sleeps with House who is the father of Seth Cohen. 2/5
  2. Side-effects: Brilliant drama/thriller with plot twists and Jude Law. 4.5/5
  3. Beautiful Creatures: Redneck boy loves a teenage evil witch. 1/5
  4. Parental Guidance: This decade’s “Cheaper by the Dozen”. 3.5/5
  5. Oz – The Great and Powerful: Franco does Franco, Kunis is green, but the story has heart! 3/5
  6. I Give It a Year: A romcom that is actually genuinely funny. 4/5
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